A-B-C, it's as easy as one, two, three
by Shathar
Summary: Collection of 26 one-shots, one for each letter of the alphabet.


This will be a series of 26 one-shots, one for each letter of the alphabet. Not connected in any way. I was inspired by **Disasteriffic Kaz** and her current Supernatural project along the same vein. If that's a fandom you're into, check out her work. If it's not, get on Netflix and correct your mistake.

These will be mostly humor/family/general. Not saying there can't be a sad one but it's unlikely. No specific season either, so assume spoilers for any/all of them (other than Sophie is around 'cause I never dug Tara). If a story NEEDS to be set in a specific part of the timeline I'll mention it in the chapter.

Hope y'all enjoy!

* * *

"I am not staying there another night."

"Sophie."

"Don't Sophie me, it's disgusting. There are bugs, Nate. Bugs. I don't sleep around bugs." The smile on her face would have appeared genuine to anyone who didn't know her.

"It's just a couple more nights-"

"No. It's none."

Elliot stood behind them in the elevator and tried to keep a professional expression on his face in case security was watching them leave. High-end bodyguards were not supposed to laugh at their employers conversations, no matter how entertaining.

"There is no where else. This is a two motel town and the other one burned down."

"Exactly."

"Exactly what?"

They paused their argument long enough to pass through the lobby of the building. As soon as the outer doors swung shut behind them Sophie continued, "Exactly why we need to stop taking jobs in tiny little, little… villages."

Elliot bit back another grin.

"Elliott, am I wrong?"

"I'd never tell a lady that she was wrong about where she wanted to sleep." And certainly not Sophie. He had too many self-preservation instincts for that.

"But?" Nate glared at him.

"But," he shrugged. "I've slept in a lot of disgusting places and the Silver Dollar Motel wouldn't make my list."

"Exactly!" Sophie swung her arm, narrowly missing Nate's face as he reached past her to slide open the van door. "We shouldn't be reduced to comparing our lodging to black ops sites and third world prisons for it to come out ahead." She let Elliot help her up into the back as Nate took his seat in the front by Hardison. "Ants were not part of the deal when I signed-up to work with you lot."

"Gotta side with Sophie on this one, bugs in the bedroom- not sexy." Hardison sat his laptop on the floor between the seats and popped his knuckles. "On the other hand, here in this ant-free zone of modern comfort, I have worked another miracle of modern computing. Wire transfer is done and records are planted. You, or should I say, Aldrich Law Firm, will be receiving a very panicky phone call by tomorrow. At the latest."

Nate nodded, his mind whirring as he planned contingencies for his contingencies.

"Don't everyone thank me at once or anything." Hardison pulled into traffic. When the van was still silent he flicked his eyes up to look at Sophie in the rearview, she would normally at least humor him with a thank-you. Except she was staring toward the backseat with an uncomfortable look on her face.

A quick look at Elliot showed that he, too, was looking backwards. There was a deep scowl on his face and a subconscious lean backwards in his body language.

Hardison steeled himself and looked toward the backseat. He had to swallow a couple of times before he could squeak out a single word. "Nate."

His tone cut through Nate's haze. The man turned, uncertain as to if he was about to see. Perhaps Sterling? And old enemy? A body?

It was worse than any of those.

Parker was sitting on the backseat, her hands tucked under her in an effort to sit still. It didn't help much, she was still bouncing in place, eyes glazed with excitement. A grin with far too many teeth rounded out the heart-stopping scene.

"Parker," Nate spoke in a soft, comforting tone. "Do you have something to share with the team?"

"It's a surprise!" Her smile was so large that it tightened the edges of her mouth and made her draw out the s's in the word into little hisses. Elliot leaned further away.

"Is it a good surprise?"

"Uh-huh!" She smiled at Sophie. "You said I should see what people want or need when I want to be their friend and give it to them and I did."

"So this is on you." Elliot altered his lean to get further back from Sophie as well.

"I only meant, well, she asked me for advice about…" Sophia cut her eyes toward Hardison.

He beamed in response. "Aw. It can't be that bad. RIght, Parker?"

"it's not bad."

"See? Girl just wants to do something nice for us."

"I'm going to remind you that she's just doing something nice for you the next time she decides to shove you off a building." Elliot grinned at Hardison's gulp.

"There's no jumping involved, is there?" Nate was still using his quiet voice but it now held a tone that expected answers to be immediately provided.

"No."

"No explosives, no guns, no… bodies?"

"No…" Parker's enthusiasm dimmed for the first time as she seemed to realize that her team was not loving the idea of her gift.

Nate and Sophie exchanged looks. Nate shrugged, "Then I guess we'll all find out in a little bit."

He turned back facing forwards and settled into his seat as Sophie did the same. Elliot turned so his back was to the window where he could keep both eyes on Parker.

When Hardison parked in front of their two rooms Parker leapt out and stood between the doors, bouncing on her toes. Everyone else filed out of the van and stood in a group with expressions on their faces that normally would be associated with people standing in front of a firing squad.

The moment stretched into the uncomfortable. When Parker's face started to shift from excited to sad Elliot pushed between Nate and Hardison, pulling the key from the unresisting hand of the younger man.

"No worries, darling. We were all just trying to decide who'd-" He forced the next words out between gritted teeth, "Get to see your surprise first. Looks like I win." He gave Nate a dark look as he walked toward the door looming ahead of him.

"Be careful." Sophie gave him a brave, sad little smile and shifted her position so that she was standing almost entirely behind Nate.

Elliot huffed and faced the door. Blowing the hair out of his face he slipped the key into the lock, squared his shoulders, and stepped into the dim room.

It wasn't that he thought Parker wanted to hurt him, or anyone on the team. He'd trusted her with his life on numerous occasions. Her loyalty, and in the privacy of his mind he could admit- friendship, were without question. On the other hand, this was a woman who thought the appropriate cure for claustrophobia was having herself buried alive. His fingers twitched for a knife as his eyes swept the room.

As he took in the cluttered space he felt Nate step up just behind him. Nothing seemed different. Hardison's cables were still tangled across the table that was wedged between the bed and the window, there was still a pile of climbing dear piled on the far bed, and his book was still perched on top of the old tv set.

Nate slipped past him and looked through the open connecting door to he and Sophie's room. "I don't see anything." His shoulders slumped as he relaxed.

Elliot did not relax. Something was prickling at his instincts and making the hair on his arms stand on end. What, he still didn't know, but he hadn't survived as long as he had by dismissing fear simply because he couldn't see a threat. He continued to scan the room as the rest of the team filed in, Parker shutting the door with a firm finality that made Hardison flinch.

"Sweetie, I don't see a surprise."

"You will," she assured Sophie as she crossed the room and jumped on the far bed a couple of times before landing cross-legged on the mattress.

"Yes, well." Nate rubbed the bridge of his nose and tried to will himself into not getting a migraine. "Until Parker is willing to share we still have work to do. Hardison, find out if Crosby has accessed his accounts yet."

"Two minutes." The hacker sat down at the overcrowded table and flipped open his computer.

"Sophie, we need to-" Nate cut himself off and stared at Elliot. He'd placed himself on guard, arms crossed, leaning against the far wall so that he had a clear view of most of the room. Nate raised an eyebrow in silent question.

"Something ain't right in here."

Nate waited, but when nothing more was forthcoming he turned back to Sophie. Elliot could do Elliot, they still had a job to pull off. "Sophie, As I was saying, we need to-"

This time Nate was cut off by Hardison screaming ("Man, I don't scream."). The hacker lunged to his feet, tangled in cords and the chair. He stumbled and fell forward, would have done a faceplant if Elliot hadn't caught him. Nate blinked, he hadn't even seen the man pass him, much less did he have any idea how he'd caught Hardison before Nate had been able to take a single step.

Sophie rushed between the beds, reaching a hand toward Parker to pull her up so they could run to safety. Parker ignored her hand and clapped her own together.

"His name is Fred."

"Oh no." Sophie didn't wait for any more details before she climbed up on the bed and stood behind Parker, watching the floor with fear.

Hardison screamed ("Yelped, man. It was a manly yelp of terror") again and Elliot barely fended off his clumsy grabs ("Were you trying to climb me?"). By the time they got done pushing each other Nate had stepped forward and was staring down Fred, man to man. Well, man to… fur.

"Parker," Nate was still using his quiet voice in deference to Parker being a member of his team but it now held a knife-sharp edge. "Why is there an aardvark in our motel room?"

"It licked me man," Hardison swiped at his ankles. "Licked me. I probably have rabies or something now." Elliot shoved him.

"Parker?" Nate took a step back as Fred waddled past.

"Sophie didn't like the ants so I went to the zoo and got us an anteater to eat them. And I named him Fred because he had a stupid name on his cage. Who names an aardvark Antony?" Her face scrunched in disgust.

"Rabies for sure. I'm gonna start foaming at the mouth and you're going to have to shoot me."

"Gladly."

"Boys," Nate's rebuke drew their attention. "No one is shooting anyone because no one has rabies."

"Is that the only reason?" Parker looked suddenly inspired and Nate rushed to move past the topic.

"Fred needs to go back to the zoo. This is not an appropriate home for an aardvark. And we don't steal from zoos."

"But he likes it here." She flopped down on the bed and hung her arm off, scratching the animal between its ears. "And he ate all the ants so Sophie can stay here tonight."

"Well," Sophie was still standing on the far edge of the bed. "That was… considerate of you. But Nate's right, he belongs in a zoo. Plus, if he ate all the ants he'll be hungry now."

"Oh, I know." Parked rolled a few times to get to the other side of the bed and hung her arm off. She dug around for a minute and pulled out her duffle bag. As she unzipped it she added, "That's why I got some food to share with him."

"They don't eat fortune cookies." When Elliot had realized that the surprise was, in fact, harmless, he'd leaned on the edge of the dresser to better enjoy watching Nate try to not have a meltdown.

" 'Course not." Parker pulled out a medium-sized cardboard box and slit the tape on top with her knife.

Elliot recognized the box. "Sophie, you might want to clear out of the room. Right now."

"I am staying on this bed until the wildlife is out of the floor."

Elliot shrugged and grinned. Nate cut a look at him but before anything else could be said Parker tossed the box into the middle of the floor and all hell broke loose.

Sophie started screaming, teetering on the far edge of the bed.

Hardison started screaming ("Okay, yeah. Maybe a little") and bolted for the door, yanking it open and vanishing outside.

Elliot stepped over and picked Sophia up, setting her down across the doorstep and then pushing the door shut. Then he flicked the cricket climbing his jeans off with one finger.

Nate stared down at the swarm covering the floor with the look of a man who wasn't sure where his life had gotten so off-track.

Fred rushed to the rapidly emptying box that had held several thousand crickets seconds before and started to chow down on the ones left inside.

"Parker." Nate's voice was now scary enough to erase the glee from her face. "You're going to take Fred back to the zoo. Now." He held a finger up and Parker's argument vanished as her mouth snapped shut. "Elliot is going to help you. Then Hardison will text you the address of the new place we are, somehow, going to find to stay in since there is no way I will ever get Sophie into this motel again. Then the two of you are going to come back here and pack up all our stuff, sans crickets, and bring it over."

"Hey, why am I in trouble?" Elliot took a few challenging steps toward Nate.

"Because you knew what was in that box in time to stop her from throwing it."

Elliot looked out the window. Sophie had vanished but by the van Hardison had stripped down to his boxers and was holding his clothes at arms length, shaking them with one hand while he used the other to check himself for a rabies feaver.

Elliot smirked. "Worth it."


End file.
